One of the things Ask Polly recommends to her reader is that they take stock of their lives:
You have to be optimistic, be patient, write down everything you’re grateful for every night, and remember that you will look back on this time as one of the most important times of your life. You’ll look back and feel really proud of how you conducted yourself, how strong you stayed in the face of your loneliness, and how much you appreciated what you had. It’s true that you could be in this place for 2 years or 12 years, and even so, you will look back and feel good about it if you play your cards right. It’s amazing to have your own business and your own place and your own cat. You are living the good life, for sure, and while it’s great that you’re open to finding love (which takes its own kind of effort) nothing that happens on that front should undermine how satisfying and hard-won your happiness is right now. You have to believe in your life and romanticize it as much as you can. Remind yourself to feel proud of what you’ve built, and what you’ve overcome, every single day. And feel proud of your flaws and your loneliness and your big heart, too. It’s ok to feel vulnerable about wanting love and not finding it. That vulnerability will lead you to good places, even when it feels like it’ll topple your apple cart. You don’t have to be perfect. Let yourself be a little weird, a little uncertain, a little brash. Let yourself get a little messier. Let your seams show. Be proud of your broken pieces. They’re the best part of you.
To that end, I am going to try documenting my glorious shit.
Today was really tough in terms of anxiety and separating facts (he is an alcoholic) from crap (he basically implied that, even if he wasn’t an alcoholic, the stuff I shared with him when I was vulnerable made him think we wouldn’t work out). He got freaked out by the idea of my masturbating dinosaur, about Stripper Guy, and about my owning sex toys. Perhaps that I had a friend with benefits (Mitt) at one point and that freaked him out. Or maybe it was that I told him I didn’t want kids and that my ovaries react more to puppies than babies.
It shouldn’t matter, but I spun about it (spinning my wheels) all day. My mind is hung up on the idea that if it was alienating to him – whatever it was – it could be alienating to others.
Then I remind myself that the dude who is right for me will not care about that sort of stuff because it is a part of me and he will love me, masturbating dinosaur and dildos and all.
It’s that sort of back and forth that has been exhausting. Fact: I put in much more work in trying to see him. Fact: He didn’t show any interest in what I cared about, whereas I watched baseball and shit for him. Fact: He wasn’t willing to put in the work.
I guess the main thing is that I thought I had found someone who could handle my diatribes with aplomb and wasn’t scared away by them. That’s one of the things I’m looking for! Then he was like, nah, beer + strippers > Manda.
Where was I?
Oh yes. Glorious shit.
Things I did today that were glorious shit:
- I got out of my house and went to a Bystander Intervention Training put on at the local YWCA by a friend. I interacted with others socially.
- I went grocery shopping and bought ingredients to cook meals. I practiced self-care.
- I decorated the outside of my house for Halloween.
- I made a pumpkin that says “DICK OR TREAT” on it. Stretching my creative muscles
- I printed out Ask Polly columns to read and underline.
- I started a Sociology blog piece on the obsession with virginity in Hocus Pocus. Positive distraction
- I played around on my website.
- I am taking baby steps toward starting training for a triathlon.
The last one is what I’m getting somewhat excited about. I have wanted to do a triathlon for a while now. Having a training schedule and goal I’m working toward has helped me get and stay working out regularly. It’s one of the main things I’ve missed about running.
I also hope that, by expanding my social circles, that will be fruitful in many ways.