A Bit Brighter

The election results tonight have me feeling a bit better about the world. Just a bit. I still find it hard to believe that my country’s president is who it is. Fuck. 

It is also difficult to feel even brighter because the gun control laws are as horrendous as they are and mass shooting have become such a norm. I barely register them anymore, that’s how numb I am to them. It shouldn’t be that way. 

It’s like we’re living in the worst timeline, to use a phrase from Community, even with this slightly brighter election. 

In terms of my life, I’m still plugging along. 

I’m in week 3 of training for a triathlon and have set a date for my first event: March 25. It is an Indoor Sprint Triathlon. I’m very insecure about my swimming. I feel like my legs flail about rather than power me. I overcame my anxiety about riding my bike outside, which was nice. 

I still need to complete my manuscript. I got sidetracked by one thing and then another. I still have grading to do and other looming tasks, such as a project I was brought on to over the summer. 

I’m still talking to the guy from the previous post. I’m really not certain that it will work out at all. 

For one, I discovered that he does not have a car. On top of that, he does not know how to drive. This is a significant obstacle given that he lives two hours away. 

There are other things that make me a bit apprehensive, too. He works a retail job. I have nothing against guys who work retail jobs; however, that sort of schedule makes it more difficult to meet up due to its general inconsistency and weekend work. And he lives with his mom. She is gone a lot, I am told, and he seems fairly self-sufficient. And he wants kids. Normally I would not talk about such things yet with a guy I haven’t even met, but it is still good to know. 

My perspective on kids is still toward the “no” side. I do not have an internal push or desire to have kids. There’s no way I would try doing it on my own, especially since I don’t feel like my life will be less fulfilled without a kid. I’m not comfortable around them, really. I really, really want to enjoy time with my partner, just us, especially as it will have taken so long for me to find him (assuming that happens). 

Granted, I could meet a guy and decide, “You know what? I really want to have his babies.” I think carrying a child would be a fulfilling experience, though I am apprehensive about the body issues that could arise. 

In any case, this car-less dude and I have been talking for nearly 3 weeks. I have told him I’d like to meet and he’s made no move toward trying to meet. 

I’m trying to be open minded and flexible, especially as we haven’t met. 

That’s life right now.