Research

I don’t abide cheaters. I hate them in my classroom and I definitely hate them in my dating life.

So, when I got a message like this:


I do not take it lightly.

You know, if people want to do the whole polyamory thing – more power to them. The important thing is that both parties are aware and that both parties consent to it, even if only one is seeking sex or partnership outside of their relationship. I am not one to judge consenting adults’ sex lives.

The key word is, of course, consent.

I know that I cannot do a polyamorous relationship. I’m not monogamish. I’m far too jealous and insecure for such arrangements even if they appealed to me (which they don’t).

Being an academic, I am pretty good at research. I’m not claiming that a person has to be, especially since Tinder is marginally linked to one’s Facebook profile. I’m sure if someone wanted to find more about me and my boring ass, they could. In any case, I found this guy’s full name. I found his Facebook. I found his girlfriend.

They have been together since September 2010. On her blog, she writes of having fallen in love with him and how amazing he is. She seems to have uprooted her life and moved across the country for him while he is in grad school. She is beautiful and talented.

I find her email address.

I consider if I would want to know. If I was in her shoes, would I want to know that my partner had been hooking up with random women?

I consider what he has told me. In his profile, he claims to be a feminist. He says that his turn ons include mutual consent, confident women, and fat booties. These things are puzzling in light of his behavior. Feminism includes having respect for women and treating them like people. Going behind a girlfriend’s back does not demonstrate respect to me. Also, how is mutual consent a turn-on? It should be fucking mandatory! Hell, how can he talk about mutual consent when his girlfriend of over five years has not consented to opening their relationship?

I consider myself lucky that he outed himself.

Ultimately, I email his girlfriend. I send her a lengthy message and include screenshots. I tell her that I am so incredibly sorry and that I am pissed on her behalf.

I do not disclose to him what I have found. It is tempting to say something, but I have embroiled myself in this drama enough as it is. I don’t want to give him a chance to erase the message I sent to her. It seems like they live together.

I don’t believe there is an evolutionary reason for such behavior. As a feminist, I tend to take umbridge at such essentialist claims because essentialism has been one reason why women were denied so many rights for so many years.

I’m so disgusted with this jackass, but my heart is breaking for his girlfriend. I don’t know her, but I do know that she deserves better.

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