Since I rejoined Tinder, I have re-connected with one of the guys who I had chatted with this past Spring.
This guy in particular had a pattern: arrange to meet up, silence close to the date of the arranged meet up, no meet up took place, profuse apologies and excuses, new arrangement… and so on. He did this at least three times in the Spring.
You can then imagine that when he proposed meeting up last weekend, I was not exactly convinced that he would follow through. My if-it-happens-it-happens attitude rather than unbridled anticipation seemed to have offended the guy.
Guess what happened? Silence then no follow through.
I was frustrated. I felt like an idiot again for giving him an umpteenth chance. I ranted. A lengthy 1,000+ word screed, the gist of which was “you don’t give a shit about me.” I would like to note that I had been listening to a lot of Fiona Apple, so much so that I included lyrics from “Get Gone” at the end. Given the silence that preceded the rant, I thought that he had ghosted.
I’m not proud that I ranted. Or, more specifically, I am not proud that I shared my rant rather than keeping it within the confines of my drafts folder. The women I love dearly – both related and unrelated – have a habit of writing long diatribes whenever we feel passionate, hurt, or stupid.
My previous written missives to this guy (in the Spring) were generally undertaken after one of the arrangements fell through. Reading through them, I see that I am very unsure of myself and the situation. I try to express disappointment without making him feel bad. I blame myself a lot – for coming on too strong, for being annoying, for not being able to read the situation better.
The guy liked my tenacity and he liked my writing. (Who wouldn’t? I am good for conversation.) Eventually things fell apart. After the stuff in the Spring, I had not planned to hear from him again.
Fast forward to after the guy read my rant I sent this past weekend. Keep in mind, he had said nothing to me for days on end. He criticized me for overthinking things and being so academic. (Guilty.) How could I say he doesn’t give a shit about me, he asks. (Hmm.) He says he wouldn’t want to meet up with me if he didn’t give a shit about me. (Uh-huh.) He tells me that my lack of enthusiasm took the wind out of his sails. (Hmm).
Despite all the things that were said, he still wants to meet up if I am still open to it. Yet, dummy that I am, I said “sure.” Why would I do that? I think I just want a good story and to see if all of this shit has been worth it in terms of meeting a cool person. We don’t want to date each other. No hooking up would take place. This would literally be meeting up in person.
We agreed to meet this Saturday (tomorrow).
This next part will come as no surprise. I wake up to a message this morning that says:
I may have a conflict but I was a little reticent to tell you because you seem somewhat prone to tantrums haha. Which is interesting for someone who teaches sociology on the university level.
I will say that at least this time, he has given advance notice of his flakiness.
But I take issue with two things: 1) “prone to tantrums” and 2) bringing up my job.
I acknowledge that “ranting” is in some definitions of “tantrum,” as is expression of anger and frustration. The pattern of interaction does frustrate me. On the one hand, I should be able to (in theory) just go with the flow. I am capable of doing this and this is what I did in Seattle. On the other hand, getting flaked out on repeatedly is irritating. How am I meant to go with the flow when the flow itself is more spurting and inconsistent? I have a life outside of making myself amenable to dudes. I do!
When I said that the guy must think of me as an “immature bitch,” he replied that he didn’t think I was an immature bitch, but that I “seemed volatile.”
I consulted with Same Dude Different Day to ask him if I was “prone to tantrums” or “volatile.” He has seen me at my highs and lows, even though we don’t talk much any more. Same Dude Different Day told me that I sometimes got my feelings hurt easily (true) and took some things too personally (also true). But he would not describe me as prone to tantrums or volatile.
I do not understand why the guy brought up my job.
All in all, I do not think that anything will take place tomorrow or in the future.