L is back in Ohio. He eventually let me know this by informing me the airline lost his luggage and he was without his coat for most of the day on Monday.
Even though we had a discussion about his “need to focus” thing and had agreed that we were good, it’s not like things changed. He didn’t initiate conversation with me, nor did he even reply in a timely manner to me when I initiated. There were a few exceptions, but it always felt like I was imposing on him. I get that is hard to discern from text messages… but that’s the way I felt.
It really sucks when you are into someone and they appear to think so little of you. He explained to me that he compartmentalizes so as not to feel things like missing people. I get that is sometimes what guys do; however, it would make a world of difference had he said something like that he was looking forward to seeing me when he got to Ohio. He admitted that he supposed he had shut me out, yet he didn’t really do anything to remedy that.
I cannot live on the margins of someone else’s life. The life I want doesn’t include hanging out occasionally and ignoring each other the rest of the time.
To that end, in the early morning hours of Tuesday, I sent him an email. I started out by saying that I liked him and all the things I liked about him. Then I noted that I didn’t think he felt the same way and acknowledged the realities – that he wasn’t really looking for a relationship and that he was in the middle of a significant transition. Next, I laid out what I wanted, namely a relationship with regular communication. To be honest, I cribbed a lot of what I wrote from the Polly piece I previously shared. As I neared the conclusion, I said that I was just stating my truth and that the message wasn’t meant to be accusatory or demanding. I ended by saying that either way there were no hard feelings.
He sent me a text about twelve hours later saying that he didn’t know what to say. He then said he would give it a proper response after he got off work.
No such response has been received.
In an ideal world, his response would be something like, “Yes. What you want is totally reasonable and is what I want, too. I want to be with you.”
Do I think that will happen? No. I don’t.
I could see him saying something like “Well, it’s apparent you’ve made up your mind,” or “You’re right, I don’t want the same things right now,” or even “Where is this coming from?”
To a certain extent it may have come from left field. But what got me was I had asked on Saturday when he was flying in. No reply. On Sunday, I checked Tinder and saw that the proximity was 40 miles as opposed to 1050 miles. He was in town. He did not send me a message until Monday evening. Sure, his luggage was lost and he was probably very concerned about that… but really – nothing until he got his luggage back? I asked him how long he was staying and he said just a week… but he didn’t ask about my schedule and plans for the week. He sent me a picture of himself in his coat, but it wasn’t flirty (though he looked nice). It seemed like more of a verification that he had his coat.
In any case, I don’t think he considered that this would be the only time we would get to see each other before the new year. He doesn’t seem to take me into consideration at all except when it’s convenient for him.
But, as those who follow me know, I have the unfortunate habit of misreading situations, especially when it comes to dating. Maybe he thought he was doing better at communicating and my email was a blow saying “That’s still not good enough.” I do know that after I received his text about not knowing what to say, my stomach dropped. Perhaps I had gone too far. Confidence dissipated.
I know that I took a bold move and became that girl. The one who stands up for what she wants, knowing full well I could lose what I had or (in a highly unlikely twist) get a change that leads to a happier situation as a result.
I want to be happy. I don’t want to be frustrated and keep dicking around with someone who doesn’t seem to give much of a fuck about me.
Basically, I’ve told him what I want and I’ve given him an opportunity to meet my needs. I have been clear.