Closure

My semester is nearing its end. Soon I’ll be posting final grades and deciding what to take with me on my drive to Texas. 

I need to start – and complete – many Christmas gifts. Perhaps my homemade Christmas should have started sooner. Perhaps I need to just buy small gifts after I get paid next week in an acknowledgment that my time is not spent in the wisest ways and the repetitive motion of cross stitching makes my carpal tunnel flare up. 

I am below 200 pounds for the first time in my adult life. I may have crash dieted my way under 200 for a single day (before a Weight Watchers weigh-in, of course) when I was 18, but I have never been under 200 pounds for more than a 24 hour period before. [Note: I remember in the fifth grade, one of my cousins once told me I weighed a ton. I was over 100 pounds then and I thought a ton was 100 pounds, not 2000 pounds. I cried.]

My clothes fit differently. I’ve made it through the semester without having to buy new pants, but I don’t think I can make it through the Spring with them. I need new bras. 

Anyway, I’ll see my family and friends for the first time since January (though I saw my mom in June). I’m looking forward to that. I am going to make a concerted effort to be social not only with friends, but also with my family when I’m at home. 

I have a habit of distancing myself beyond normal introversion levels. I don’t purposefully mean to, but I end up switching from day to night (being up all night, sleeping all day). I mean… it’s sort of what I do when I’m by myself. I keep weird hours. I also have a hard time sleeping at my parents. My bed is different. The sounds are different (eight dogs this year!). I can’t sleep naked. At least this time I won’t be nursing a post-surgical foot. In addition, I need to work on some stuff related to family I won’t go into here. 

I don’t know if I’ll go to Norman. I think it might be awkward without a definite reason other than just to say “Hey” and make the rounds. I could be convinced, though. 

The reason I started this post was not so much to do a life update, though it was needed. Life goes on. 

As an update to my previous post, I received a reply from L. He said, in essence, he is too busy to have a relationship with me right now, but we could revisit/discuss/unpack it in the near future. Finally. I found out where I stood. I am ultimately proud that I stood up for myself and what I want rather than be strung along, dragged through the frustration and irritation of indecisiveness. 

YET, a little voice in my head is like, “Why couldn’t you have stood by him and supported him and just been there?” To that voice I give a hearty fuck you — I am not his girlfriend. I am under no obligation to wait by ignored, hoping that he would occasionally throw me breadcrumbs of attention. A younger me would have done just that – convinced that no one would ever show her such affection again, therefore she needed to cling on for all its worth. 

I have given minor thought to what would need to happen in the so-called “near future” if L wants to discuss/revisit/unpack the message I sent. In my mind, at this point, something would have to drastically change in regard to his communication with me. I don’t hold him in ill favor or hate him by any means, but he’d have to “earn” me back. 

In the meantime, I have a coffee date with a sweet guy set up. I’m looking forward to it. Onward! 

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