It is probably no secret that I struggle with anxiety. Right now I’m having increased anxiety – my throat feels tight and my chest feels like there is a pressure on it. I have some inkling about what it is related to, but that is not always the case.
In this case, while I was already amped up for an episode due to things like my to-do list, the holidays, money, a fight with my mom, students in distress, what has pushed me over the edge is boys and Tinder. Basically uncertainty about my dating life.
Of all the stupid things for my brain and body to go into anxiety mode, my dating life has to be one of the more asinine.
L unmatched me on Tinder. He could have deleted his account. I don’t know. And the thing is, I don’t blame him if he unmatched me. It is perfectly reasonable, especially since I took the “that girl” option. Still, that pinches me a little especially since he left “near future” on the table.
The thing is, though, it shouldn’t pinch me. As one of my friends told me, I always seemed to have more complaints than praise about L when talking to her. And L wasn’t my first choice when I started seeing him and P around the same time. L rarely gave me the attention I needed. He was sort of a dick at times – like the whole “calm down W” remark. My discussions about him to my friends already earned him a “kick him to the curb.”
My anxiety flared up because my brain panics and thinks what if he was the guy, you fucked it up, you’re going to be alone forever. My brain is a jackass. Obviously standing up for myself was not fucking it up and, if I do end up alone, that’s fine. I will rock spinsterdom proudly.
Murdock didn’t contact me today. He hasn’t tried to reschedule this week. It appears to be fizzling out, not that it really got a good flame going in the first place.
Maybe I just need to start fresh. It would not be the first time. I did it in the past and I can do it again.
At this time, my profile on Tinder is more of a joke than a serious explanation of myself. I am leaving for my parents soon and I don’t know how many people want to start things up around the holidays. But my profile is still posted, period.
As I’ve written this, my anxiety has subsided – thanks medications!
*sigh* I need a vacation from my life.