Brief Dalliance and Deal Breakers

S and I were matched on New Year’s Eve, but I was out and about having a good time, so I didn’t initiate conversation. 

He eventually initiated conversation (gasp). And we were clicking. I liked many of the things he was saying, such as  that relationships need give and take, that he didn’t want to distract me while I was driving back to Ohio from Texas, that he was enjoying getting to know me. 

We set up a date for Friday night. He offered to let me stay over and said he would buy me a tank of gas. He also said the next date would be on my end of town. Those are nice things, though I declined a sleepover. 

He friended me on Facebook, which was a bit forward, to be honest. I put him on “acquaintance” so that he could see limited things. 

There were some things that made me raise an eyebrow. 

For starters, he said he put a review of me on RateMyProfessor. He said he put a chili pepper and mentioned things like liking it when I faced the chalkboard so that my cute butt was on display. I was not cool with such a review. It has not shown up, thankfully. I was more freaked out than flattered. 

Next, talk about Sweeney Todd’s slicing of throats and baking corpses into pies made him squeamish. I brought up Sweeney Todd in order to convince him that musicals were not just cheesy music. He had to take a break from talking to me because of the images put in his head. 

Then he said his playful, affectionate cat would be the perfect girlfriend. Specifically, “It’s kind of a shame she’s a cat. Would be a perfect girlfriend.” The eyebrow raise here has nothing to do with implied beastiality and more with being a pet. 

And one of the most substantial eyebrow raising things was that he said he didn’t like giving oral sex. Oh, he said he liked receiving. He was nevertheless grossed out by cunnilingus and female fluids. He claimed he would only do it for a girl he was madly in love with. 

I was not happy with these statements. At all. I said he better fall for me fast, then, because that was not cool. I also said I was not about to give him head if there was no reciprocation. 

I recommended he read Ian Kerner’s She Comes First. It is a thinking man’s guide to oral sex. He was on board with that… until he glanced at it. He said it was too detailed and raw for him. 

I understand that not every man enjoys giving oral sex. They might have had a bad experience or a partner who expected them to mind-read. Not all men are good at it. Not all women enjoy it. But to have a potential partner who is disgusted by your genitals like that – sight unseen – is just off-putting. 

Lest you think I have too high of standards in this expectation, sex author Lou Paget has written, “Ask most women, and if they’re being honest, they will admit that what makes them hottest and come hardest is when a man can use his tongue well.” 

Even Amy Poehler says, “If you don’t eat pussy, keep walking.” 

IT IS NOT UNREASONABLE. 

I messaged one of my friends about S’s being grossed out and her immediate response was “I wouldn’t give that man the time of day. Cancel the date. I’m serious.” 

Fast forward 18 hours.

S was being unusually silent. I asked him if he was pissed at me and he said no, told me I’m great, then said he didn’t think this should continue because he doesn’t know where he will be in six months. 

I told him I was surprised and that I couldn’t help but wonder if this was actually ending because of musicals and pussy eating. 

He took offense at that implication, stating: 

“If you really think that I would let a few details like that get in the way of finding someone to spend the rest of my life with then I feel even better about my decision.”

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. Way harsh, Tai

In any case, the date is canceled. And I am ultimately glad. 

I think that, had we met and he had gotten to know me, he would be shocked by, well, everything about me. My interest in gender, sex, sexuality, sex education would likely have made him very uncomfortable. My uterus sticker on my laptop – the one I use in the classrooms – may have made him vomit. 

I still think he decided that pussy eating and musicals were a deal breaker, regardless of what he claimed.