Living My Truth

I got home from my third “date” with him tonight. I have date in quotes because it involved us meeting at Panera Bread, grading our respective work, and then going to a bar to watch the end of the Indians game.

I am starting to feel like this is lopsided. I’ve made the suggestions for meeting up.

I haven’t been so bold as to hold his hand – more on that in a moment. I haven’t kissed him either, though he knows I’ve wanted to.

He just doesn’t seem that into me. I sit next to him and he doesn’t put his arm around the back of my chair. He doesn’t reach for my hand. Hell, sometimes he walks faster than me. He didn’t tell me that I looked nice (and I did). He didn’t even look that happy to see me.

I know he also recently changed his Tinder profile photos.

I know the “friend zone” is not a real thing, but I have the distinct feeling that I’ve gained just a friend and not a potential boyfriend. We’ve spent about 24 hours together total over three dates and the baby steps we’re taking seem to be stuck in molasses.

At the end of our date, we did this weird thing where, after our hug, our arms stayed connected down to our hands.

After getting home, I texted him to say it must have been my subconsciously (or consciously) wanting to hold his hand. He said to roll with it, but then I asked if he’d let me hold his hand. He said “Probably.”

This resulted in my mind going from “Don’t Fuck It Up” mode to “Fuck it” mode.

I wrote up an explanation of why I am so awkward. In other words, I explained why I’ve been cautious and not overly forward. I did this by skimming over my relationship history, mentioning how my self-esteem is no longer in the toilet due to my myriad accomplishments, and closing with:

That being said, I have wanted to hold your hand. Normally I don’t have such anxiety about it and just do it, but I don’t know what’s been holding me back (other than, you know, rejection). I like you, I love spending time with you, I enjoy talking with you throughout the week. I dig you. And I’d like to keep seeing where this goes, though I understand if you’re not as interested.

And I sent it to him while he’s asleep.

I told Same Dude Different Day what I did and he  told me, “You need to find a guy who is in to confrontations and long messages.” In other words, I shouldn’t have done that.

I’m merely living my truth.

I’m not trying to press him into saying he wants to be in a romantic relationship with me. But if he doesn’t like me or see me as potentially more than a friend, then I’m not going to expend as much effort as before.