Obsession (Not the Perfume)

My anxiety is on overdrive and reflecting itself in unusual ways.

Some examples:

I needed to leave to go to Chicago. I knew this. But rather than do the things that would get me closer to leaving – like putting clothes on – I tried to troubleshoot why my TV’s Netflix app kept crashing.

Then, deciding that many people have the same problem and bitch about it online, I looked into why my house’s guest WiFi network wasn’t working. My Apple Time Capsule router had been put (not by me) in bridge mode. I then tried to figure out how to put the cable company provided modem and router into bridge mode. There was not a good solution readily available.

I had to just suck it up and say, “Amanda, quit dicking around and get ready to leave.”

While driving, my headphone earbud covers fell off when digging my headphones out of my purse. Rather than just waiting to fix them later, I couldn’t wait. I had to stop and fix them right there and then.

Today, I’ve had similar issues on my travels to Nashville.

My in-car set of nail clippers had the lever part fly off and land somewhere in my car. I couldn’t find it. This drove me more and more insane.

Then I got a stain on my brand new 2 Dope Queens shirt. I didn’t have a Tide pen. This drove me more and more insane.

Eventually, I stopped at a Rite Aid and bought a new set of nail clippers and a Tide Pen.

Upon getting to the hotel, though, I realized that I wasn’t wearing my necklace. I consider it to be a sort of talisman. I am trying not to obsess over it or worry about where it is (probably where it always is) or if I misplaced it (probably not).

I am also feeling increasingly guilty about things. Guilty that I rely so much on my parents financially. Guilty that I am not more observant of my diet guidelines (been eating a lot of crap recently).

I don’t know why all of this is flaring up. I think it is because I feel unprepared or unsettled. Perhaps a bit of impostor syndrome in terms of adulthood and financial independence? Perhaps knowing that I have stuff I have to do when I get to my parents? Perhaps not-exactly-looking-forward-to certain situations at my parents’ house? Maybe I need my anti-anxiety meds adjusted.

Right now, I’m just trying to breathe and realize everything is okay.